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oh beautiful for spacious skies. and amber left with wayne   
04:42am 29/05/2007
mood: cynical
sycamores really are dinosaurs, their thick white trunks reaching up to the sky..
you blame me for things i did not do. things i did not promise. now i lay with my head hanging over my bed. waiting.

waiting. it seems to be what i am good for. waiting.

i will not be manipulated into believing that death is the cost of freedom. you can take your memorial day and shove it up your constipated ass. no one has to die to be free. freedom like love is a state of mind. don mclean told me so, and i believe him. what does he have to gain from lying to some silly girl in oklahoma?

and is that what i am? just a silly girl? or a "stupid girl"? certainly not as beautiful as gwen but stupid nontheless. believeing that some man can save me from my mind. from my life. from my own lack of freedom. that state i have yet to find. but i still don't believe death is the price.

what i hear:
"hypnotize my youth, staring at the way round your finger. well i have only come here seeking knowledge. things they would not teach me in college. i can see the destiney is heavy turn into a shining band of gold."
what it actually says:
"hypnotized by you if i should linger staring at the ring on your finger i have only come here seeking knowledge things they wouldn't teach me in college i can see the destiny you sold turned into a shining band of gold"
--sting--wrapped around your finger

i would really like the means to leave this place tomorrow, only to come back for breif visits and holidays.

i would really like for my blogs to be happy things, things peple might actually wish to read. but that's just not me.

i would really like to stop being so fucking angry all of the time, so fucking negative, i realise that this is a choice to stop living this way, but i really do blame teressa for my arrival into this negativity, everything was bad to her, everything and everyone had ulterior motives and i lived with that for five years, it's so much a part of me i didn't even realise that it was there until recently. she was like this horrible mother who destroyed and manipulated her child into something unseen and unknown.
10:26pm 24/02/2007
mood: restless

i fell for a guy, i admit it. before buddha and creation

and i can't tell him because it's absurd i'll get over it and he so doesn't like me like that which is good because then it will just disappear after he leaves on the first of march.

which has anyone noticed that march is coming in a bit like un lion?

i know what i am about to say is strange because if you know me i'm a tori amos idiot, however, i hate identifying with her lyrics because the girls that are like that make me giggle inside. but stupid cloud on my tongue and boys in the trees...oi... i'm obsessed with boys in the trees, the song, tori's version of course. carly simon writeress and original performeratrix...listen it's a good thing but yes ...

working at the mart is beyond my understanding it's so obscene and i think that, this is a correct word choice. i won't go into detail because it's in appropriate for me to do so. but when i am with my co-workers and then with the customers i realize how very different i am from all of them and my friends are so far from being like these people too and the sad thing is that we are few in number and their ways are so oppressive.

it's funny there are people you meet who at face seem very neat and you want to get to know them but then you do and their layers start unfolding and you learn their secrets and how they live their lives and you realize 'i have to get out of this person's life they are going to suck me into their insanity'. that too is obscene...

there is one person at work, he likes bjork so i think that's a good start. and he's just a college guy, he seems to be safe from dramatic life happenings. i don't think he's gay but he could be an ally but i don't know how to talk to people i'm a dork and would he even want to hang out with my friends and me?
12:26pm 20/02/2007
mood: content
yomg may first! may first!
i found a thrill   
06:34am 08/02/2007
mood: obsessive
yay i feel fatalistic...i discovered tonight the futility of words. at least my words. and recently the only thing that has made any sense to my feeble brain has been star-trek...oh i heart star-trek...anyway yes see in the future there seems to be much less of this silly pandering back and forth between individuals with sexual attraction...even crusher and picard were comfortable being able to read one another's minds.

i'm so annoyed with teressa and her asinine attempts at being non-co-dependent...she says that i taught her how to do that. well the difference between me having absolutely no co-dependent tendencies and her pretending not to is that if my friends truly need me i am there to support them including her. but she doesn't get that. asking her to do anything is like asking for a kidney. however if the situation were to be reversed she would not hesitate to ask for help. nor has she ever in the past...

oh this must be what it feels like to be impotent. i just want to know if it's not only in my head. i want to know if he, yes he feels the same. i know that i can be fairly dense when it comes to emotional issues such as these. but i feel that there is a real connection between this person and i. i just wish he had a vagina, and was a she. i would probably already have the answers to my questions if he was a she. i would have found out for myself, but like harley, i'm a chicken-shit. but well, he'll be gone soon to new york and culinary school...i suppose then i'll get over him and move on with my homosexual self. i'm going to miss him terribly, we have such great conversations, and he has amazing taste in wine, we drank a cabernet last week that had me on the floor it was so phenomenal...reds always go straight to my head
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the woman that i love is 40 feet tall   
03:35am 31/10/2006
mood: moody
so today i'm 27...

our landlady is annoying me it looks like it will be about two weeks before we can move in. i'm sick of fucking waiting. and i'm sick of fucking waiting to figure out when i can get a job. i'm tempted to just get something to tide me over until we move although that would be really shitty and i won't get any of that cash until after i've moved anyway. but still yo i need to get a jobby job. at least now i know an approximate date i can put down on my availability for my apps in stillwater....

so i'm still older today...

i guess we're going out to dinner tonight...i'd like to stay in stillwater and party etc. but i've already commited to sami and jeff and brent. i think she's trying to fix me up with him. brent's a nice guy but he's a guy! i love sami and she tries but damn...


three years from THIRTY...
well maybe if the gods are willing   
02:48pm 18/10/2006
mood: okay
so i'm excited i'll be moving to stillwater in approximately two weeks. we should be able to move in by the first but the previous tennants in the house that we chose totally trashed the place so we'll see. i need to pack up my shit yo...i hate moving but this won't be that bad because i have gotten rid of so much stuff over the last year and some months that i don't have nearly as much crap as i once did. :x well that is all i just wanted to spread my excitement about that. and horray for clean clothes i love laundry day
highschool? spsha   
08:53pm 14/10/2006
mood: dirty
You scored 21 Involvement, 35 Studiousness, 44 Friendliness, and 40 Playfulness!
You defied authority. You went against the grain. You liked to party, you tended to be a loner, and you were pretty disconnected from the functions and activities that took place at school.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 11% on Involvement

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Studiousness

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 44% on Friendliness

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 55% on Playfulness
Link: The High-school Stereotype Test written by zip_adeedoodah on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
i tried to down play it   
02:45am 09/10/2006
  my dog is ruining my melacholic momment here dammit. she keeps yipping and doing this pay attention to me growl. and i'm all up here and not able to care really. blah she's been at grammas all day she should be happy. i'm not sure why i'm in such a pissy mood but there you are. there is this person i am interested in and they seem to be interested in me as well we just can't seem to get on the same page which is annoying me. besides this person is off in norman land and i'm here and soon to be in stillwater. there is just no way a relationship would work. however, there is this girl in edmond here but i dunno blah blah blah i'm probably just pmsing as usual. and people who whine annoy me and i'm whining and yes i'm annoying myself.

my little sister has started smoking cigarettes and marijuana not that i really care about either one but she's only a few weeks shy of 16 and she has fairly severe asthma. however, it is very amusing that mum will buy cigarettes for her friends but if she knew katie were smoking she would shit a brick house. not because of the smoking itself but because of the asthma issue. so katie came home high the other night and it only took me two seconds of her being in the house for me to know. lucky for her our parents are perpetually fucked up and they will never be the wiser.

i think i need a road trip. and i need to figure out how to cash in my 401k any financial advisors floating out there in the ether?
oh gee i took a whiz on a tree   
02:01am 09/10/2006
mood: contemplative
megan's tree to be precise. yes i was thoroughly trashed on wine and we were post taco bell run and i had to pee dammit and we were outside so well it only made sense to pop a squat and pee on the big tree in megs front yard. : ) then megan decided to go for a bike ride around the block i sent my sister and her friend after her because i was too drunk to run or even run/walk lol...well they got her back inside and we at our taco bell and then i'm not sure what happened after that but eventually megan talked me in to going back outside and riding her bike again well she made it down the street and was turning around to come back and she bit the dust i could see it happening and i knew it was going to happen but well there is no sense trying to tell another drunk person that it's not a good idea because everything is a good idea when you are durnk : ) so yes she fell and tore her sock did i mention she was in stockingfeet? well she was so yes she fell and then she tore her sock and cut her toe then she convinced me to ride the bike which i did. barely i haven't riden a bike in years like maybe ten years so yeah that was scarey and had shoes on thank god but i didn' t fall so go me. then we went inside and somewhere in the middle of this cody breaks megans vegas shotglass and i tried to clean it up but i couldn't find the dust bin and megan suggested the vaccuum but the pieces were too large. and so i swept it into a pile the best i could. all this on wine gee wiz but it was fun who knew. i think the funniest bit about peeing outside is that like two doors down a cop lives there and he was home oh well we didn't get caught that's all that matters right?
doo dooo doo   
02:44am 02/10/2006
  so i feel like i should post something, but yes my life is boring and i have nothing of merit to post. i did sing karaoke (sp) on saturday at hudsons on nw expressway. some of those morons take themselves waaaay to seriously. seriously, this one dude brought a harmonica. wtfrickle? it's just karaoke homey not american idol or something important like that. pft. i'm so behind with school. i have 321546 papers due this week and i've yet to work on any of them. however, i do believe that after thursday i will be caught up on classwork other than reading. which of course reading never ends. i can't really complain though because it's my own fault. socializing has become more important that studying. but i mean come on stonewall has ladies night every wednesday, that is hard to pass up. don't get me wrong i'm a feminist but i'm willing to exploit my sex for free beer. don't let the name mislead you, it's not named after the infamous stonewall bar in nyc but after stonewall jackson, the confederate general or some junk. but the owner is a nice alcoholic, he gives everyone free shots, and plays a bugle and shouts out that the south will rise again. i suppose we all have our own dreams...mmkay well that's enough for now toodles kiddles xx  
and they sky was made of amethyst   
09:45pm 09/09/2006
mood: curious
so i met someone at school on wednesday evening. and for those who read this and were there it's not who you think so there :p but i won't divulge who this is because i'm shy like that. i'm super excited about moving to stilly. it will prolly be closer to the end of the semester because of locating a job and monies etc. but yay i actually felt like part of the student body on wednesday such fun times. i can't wait for next week at school etc. yay

on another subject i'm exploding from bueno, dots, and charleston chews. yum...i decided not to out tonight and do studying and responsible activities like that but now i want to go out ;/ so me thinks i'll go get dressed and makeuped
fighting over the last bracelet at claires   
06:53pm 29/08/2006
mood: tired
this is some funny stuff http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9lHb7KStic watch it. i think the kate doll looks more like tori than the tori doll...
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out of tune   
10:43am 29/08/2006
mood: hungry
la, so i've gotten comfortable with school. and i've already fallen behind. behold wonder of wonders christine really is a college slacker :x....i so had to read song of myself for american lit and i so didn't read it. i had no idea it was like 45 pages long. that was too much for my attention span the day before i should have read the poem to say the least...i've also not read for af-am lit but we're still stuck on frederick douglass of which i have read that so it's all good yo. thank god for long windedness. well sometimes it's a good thing. in that class for example. but not in american history. i think i'm going to have to down some serious amounts of caffeine in order to stay concious in that class. i dig the subject matter but good lord we've reviewed EUROPEAN history for the past two class sessions. wtf man...serious wtf...

luaus with lots of gay boys are always a blast, i say boys, sami jeff and i were the youngest people there. the average age was like 40 i would say. but nontheless rain and all it was a good time. i drank waaaay too much (i need to figure out what my limit is) and felt like shit on sunday and monday. so that was my first two day hangover. heh. but! i did not toss my cookies so go me. okay i'm going to go and brave the food court i'm starving...
you know you wear too much eyemakeup when...   
08:08am 23/08/2006
mood: calm
you wake up 13 hours later and you've still got it on...

i lost a day. between school yesterday and then coming home and falling asleep at six pm i lost an entire day it seems like. although i desperately needed sleep. i had about four hours between two days. not good. but i always do this. the night before anything big happening i can't sleep christmas is worse. when i was a girl my mum gave me a benadryl to sleep now she proffers xanax. that amuses me. i've yet to take one but it's nice to know she cares.

lady ashwood? that's my daughter

so that criticism class was a joke half of the class left two minutes after the professor got into the room. apparently it's subtext is known as "writing for the profession" the profession being business crap. there is a literary criticism class but it isn't offered until the spring. and by then i'll be at uco so whatever blah. i found an opening at 3:30 for intro to creative writing, i've been wanting to take this class for ages so yay finally. af-am lit seems really exciting. dr. decker is really into his work and i think i shall enjoy that class. american lit II, seems fairly straightforward only two papers so hooray. and the history course is once again full of annoying 18 year old kids. damn me and my lack of desire to take basics. now i'm nearly 27 stuck with these brats. with more basics to undertake blah. that's the one thing that sucks about going to school; i keep getting older and everyone else stays the same age. c'est la vie
oooh no mr bill   
01:26pm 14/08/2006
mood: annoyed
damn puppies. i stayed at my mum's house last night and like a fool i left my purse on a chair in the living room. i say purse it's really a tote. holds lots o stuff. :x anyhow. yes so in this bag i had a cd binder of sorts. it was small and i only had about seven cds in it. however this morning i saunter into the living room to find total devastation of said cd binder. amazingly enough only one cd was completely annihilated. however. IT WAS A FUCKING TORI AMOS CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *insert screaming here* on the upside it was only ftcgh so it's easily replaced. but that particular cd had sentimental value. salmonella bought it for me when i graduated high school. *more screaming* annoyed...oi
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oh it was all for the best   
04:58am 11/08/2006
mood: contemplative
i'm such a blog theif. i wrote this on my myspace blog. and then i wanted to blog here too and i'm too lazy to write more. so for now twice bitches. yes twice...

dramatic day blah. my gramma went yet again to er today. she's having her uncontrollable vomiting thing. mum and i went with gramma and grampa to hospital. it was all rather odd. she was hardly there for two hours. if that long. they gave her adivan (sp) and took xrays and sent her home. it took three people to get her into the truck after she was discharged and so grampa calls us and says he cant' get her in the house because she is so doped up she can't even wake up enough to walk. mind you it took my mum, grampa and myself to get her into the truck int the frist place and that was without the meds. so i came over and helped grampa carry her literally into the house. thank god my gramma isn't overweight she only weighs like 140 but she is jsut as tall as i am, and very stout as we english tend to be. not to mention carrying someone who is completely passed out makes them weigh a lot more or at least feel like they weigh a lot more than they really do.

so because i am spending time at my grandparents house right now. grampa felt obligated to phone everyone in dc and i had to give blow by blow of what had happened earlier. when a strange thing happened. my cousin rachel and i were chatting and she is nearly 17 fyi. and we went to say goodbye and where normally we always say i love you there was this strange pregnant pause i'm not quite sure what to make of it. i understand that she's 17 and that things are always different when you are a teenager. but it's customary to say such things in our family. we're very hands on and open with our feelings. i've also figured out that until katie is about 23 we won't be close again. she's got to go her own way. it's strange watching someone grow...
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brownies yum   
11:37pm 09/08/2006
mood: sick
well i think i figured out a remedy for this semesters school drama. once again. oi vey. i have moved all my classes to t & r classes. everything is the same except for an english class called criticism. the description of the course is rather vague. so we'll see. as long as it isn't taught by dr. prchal (yes that's correctly spelled) i'll be fine. so the final layout is american lit II @ nine to ten:15, then the criticism class from 10:30 to 11:45, next is african american lit at 12:30 to 1:45, and finally american history to 1865 @ 2:00 to three. since i'm not able to use the buses i'll be able to get home a lot earlier than if bob were still running.

my tummy has been upset this evening. not even the brownies i made have helped. blah. sleepy time
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frustration thy name is life   
03:00am 08/08/2006
mood: distressed
so earlier today i went to the osu website to check for bus schedule times. since school does start in 14 days .oi vey. and there is a lovely message saying that the shuttle buses ended on july 28th due to lack of usage/attendance.


i'm not sure what i'm going to do. tomorrow i am going to look in to whether or not i can enroll and get situated with uco, to begin this fall. if i do i'm going. uco isn't my first choice clearly. however, while if i must, if the uco thing doesn't work. i will drive to stillwater this semester and then transfer to uco for spring. and i suppose finish there. i am in panic mode now i suppose.

i got lost in the sounds

i <3 the new regina spektor single fidelity. yum yum yum...i want to move out so badly but i've got such a nice situation here without having to have all the house pressures on me. sharing it with two other people makes life easy. but gawd they are messy. to say the least

if i kiss you where it's sore will you feel better?

so i'll do it of course.

will you feel anything at all

she who must not be named has either turned her phone off or blocked me which pisses me off because i want my fucking car back. douche

i have felt rather isolated the past few days. i'm sure it's just pms but i do long for the days when i was able to cry to my mummy. and i just don't feel comfortable letting other people (sami) see me in a vulnerable situation. maybe my theory's gone bust. maybe we're all really alone after all just floating through this ether randomly bouncing off one another.

we're living in a den of theives

it amuses me that books on witchcraft, a calendar of naked girls and a lesbian ran off a supposed friend. not that i'm really down with withcraft. but good grief, it's just a book. i'm excited about the luau on the 26th. that will be a change of pace. i'm hungry and there is nothing to eat grr...perhaps i should sleep instead...
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oh adolf   
11:55pm 31/07/2006
mood: full

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from sea to shining sea   
03:22am 31/07/2006
mood: mellow

could this be more fun?
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